Thoughts.

It’s been a while since I posted something related to my personal life and feelings. I guess this will be the next one. *emo alert*

I don’t know what happened to me. I’ve been feeling really emotional lately. I would cry without any specific reasons. I feel like my brain is like a DVD where there are so many separated scenes and at times I would just pick one to play. Some of them are the “what-if” scenarios, some are the real-life cases that I can’t help, and some are the recaps of my life so far.

The first one is often about my family, the future and death. The next one is mostly related about my social life, the things that I want to say but I couldn’t and the things that I wish people didn’t do or weren’t. The last one, well, it’s pretty obvious. It’s about myself, about my achievements in life and stuff.

The “scenes” that I’m likely to pick lately though, are the second and the third ones. I admit that I feel lonely. The bestest people I have are located in different countries. Although technology helps a lot in communication these days, having the person’s presence when you’re in need is zillion times better than a text or phone call.

I don’t have many friends. I’m a type of person that would rather have a small group of true friends than a large group of “friends”. I know I’ve said this way too many times in the previous posts, but I value friendships more than anybody else around me. In this small country, I don’t have that one friend that I can always turn to and she/he turns to me in times of hardships. I know I can always turn to my bestfriends and my parents, but they’re not physically here. They’re not always available when I’m available and vice versa.

I do have a boyfriend. We both are busy with our own job though and I start seeing different values in the both of us lately. Over the past year, we’ve been so happy together and we had not really seen the “imperfections” from each other. I’m not talking about the small things, but the major ones. Accumulated by the stress from work, we couldn’t put up with each other’s flaws sometimes. Because when you’re already have enough at work, you only want to see the good things outside work, right?

Moving on to myself, I feel that I have not done much for the past 20 years. I feel like I’ve been wasting a lot of time for something meaningful that I could’ve done. I tell you frankly, I’ve never won anything in my whole. ENTIRE. life. As a kid I never got a trophy or medal or anything. I did get certificates from teen-hood onwards though, but everybody does, right?

I know I sound very ungrateful right now. I know that I’m asking too much while I already have a great family, bestfriends and boyfriend that always love and support me. It’s just me. I want to achieve something that I really really desire. I want to reach a dream or a long-term goal. It has to be something that I wanna do for the rest of my life. I have not found it yet so the key now is to try a lot of new things. But trying new things require money and I don’t have so much right now. I know my parents would help if I need anything but with all my respect, I don’t want their help. Since it’s gonna be my achievement, I wanna start raw. So on the way in finding my dream, I will make and save as much as I could. The question now is, how long will I need to wait?

So those are the few things in my mind lately. Am I thinking too much? I can’t help it. I don’t somehow have the control. I even googled “signs of depressions” but duh, it’s a total different thing. Luckily.